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Drunk On What I Am

by Kyle Numann

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1.
Nothing 04:22
I've got a song stuck in my head, and it's driving me crazy. All I want is an empty hole between my ears. All I want to hear is nothing at all. Apathy, it don't weigh anything. It could fly off like a wedding ring. I could wear it like a crown. The blue and green coastline you make of me is an island that sits beneath a heavy rain cloud, and it never breaks. It only takes up sky. Empathy, entropy, looks at me steep through a heavy sleep, dreaming of less and less and less to dream of & all my lows are owed to my chemistry, not apathy or enemies. I'd rather be awake than dreaming of all I could take back. I've got a lion in my bed, and I can't help but feed him little pieces of myself to keep him at bay. I know it's only a matter of days till I'm nothing at all.
2.
Every Bone 06:19
Out the rattling pane I follow my wandering gaze, and the Greyhound's humming refrain sounds the same as it's verses. My thoughts collect like rocks in the wet, muddy bottom of my chest, that starts and stops in coughs and curses. I'm bloated and full with the wet stones I haul along. So I drank away all I should have saved, but I won't let the waves wash away my momentum. The anchor that drags across the bottom of my chest carves a trench into my flesh that swallows all of my good intentions. When I'm gone make your empty bed my arms and let the silence be my song. Anywhere you go you roam, you own no load to carry, call no house a home, my poor stray pup, you know you own every bone you bury. You're married to the cold, 'The Lone Road' and 'The Struggle'. You old gray garden shovel, you're just digging up a hole to fall in when you're not watching where you walk. When an animal dies, it finds a hole to crawl inside. Eager love of mine, don't come into the night to try & find me. I'm long gone. In a hole with my saint, and you couldn't lift this weight. I will never sink. I will never bail all this water from the boat. So the anchor that drags across the bottom of my chest carves a trench into my flesh & I'm opened up. When you're bus flies off the road, my little skipping stone, remember that you weren't in control. If you're afraid of death, my little skipping stone, remember that you've been thrown. Remember, you're alone. Remember that the only thing keeping you afloat is inherited momentum. Spinning out above an ending, we're standing on the beach, counting down, until you sink.
3.
4.
The Knife 03:50
Sing us another song. Bend like a cat, to lick your wounds. Lean, with all your weight, against your friends to stay upright & wait for us all to be wrong. Leave, you leave your heart like it's a pet that you just can't afford. May the soul, may the body be tended by the mind. Then again if you don't have the time, at least make it look like you're trying. Hook another line about how you “pump blood like an oil derrick” to feed your feeble bones, & “let them in like a turnstyle but still wake up all alone.” So, are you just going to fold your arms & leave me here, so close to harm? Are gonna take your knife, shove it in, twist it to the right? You know you're gonna get tired sometime.
5.
A# 03:00
6.
Pluck out my eyes, that spin in my skull. Pull my teeth from this rotten hole. Rip off my arms, sick from the grip of my hands. Don't even leave me with one leg to stand. It's not mine, as far as I know... My body goes as far as I know. I'll pay for the right to swallow my air. I'll pay for my teeth, how they want only to tear. I'll pay I swear. But if I can't, if I fall through, I'll pay with my blood, my guts and my bones down to my last cracked tooth. I'll pay for “the one I wanted to be” & then I'll go home. I'll pay for a stone, and the church, then be on my knees with a shovel and a bucket when I feel it coming, digging up a body's worth of dirt so there's a hole for me to collapse in. When I'm past-tense. When I've cashed in on my last breath and I'm gone. Pray for my god, that he may prevail. Praised be my house, and objection to the world. Praised be my hands and the chance that I'll someday clean up the blood (what a long shot that I ever thought I could [ you would never know, I was not awake]) I won't fold just because I was told a lie made of gold. I don't know nothing anymore. I was told, by the sound of my voice, that I was not in my right mind. I was told by my eyes that I was not in a lie I was told.
7.
Only Rocks 04:12
You keep bringing up “the world gone to rot” and I don't talk cause I don't have much to say. It's that real world they fed us on, sits wrong with me I gotta say. But you've figured out so much, so much that you're all on your own. You called, of course, to say that you know what is better now. Well, what is better now? Forgive me for my hesitation, and I'll forgive myself. You can't pick something up without letting go of something else and I realize just how much I've dropped along the way. But you're so sure that you know the end that you're kicking up your feet, you're passing out, while I'm up here losing sleep. Contingencies I always mean to keep loaded in rows at the front of my skull. What if I get where I'm going, and I'm still lost? What if I open up my luggage and it's only rocks?
8.
9.
10.
I was laying in the sickest of beds with a knot on my head the size of my skull, and all it could hold is one hard thought. That thought on a single hinge swung loose in the wind like a barn door blowing, with the peal of a creak and a steady knock. The fog lays low. I swing open and closed, and I swing open: If I'm only me, I'm not myself. I was laying in the sickest of beds, and what was not on my head was the size of my skull. All it could hold was a few dull rocks. Those rocks, as hard as I threw them, didn't break the surface of nothing. Just empty sky on a pane of glass. What's drowned and under tow, I can't see but I know. I know, but I can't.. If I'm only me, I'm not myself. If I am myself, I'm mostly something else... & Then I'm right here in my body, in your kitchen, as you work the blade of the knife, dividing onions, and your eyes swell like lakes. The blood in our veins beats with a rhythm that we keep without thought. Hello, my love. I'm drunk on what I am, and what I'm not.

about

Recorded in sessions from 2010-2014, this album is a mix of composed song forms and experimental sound combination projects. The songs were birthed out of personal introspection, heartache, toothache, doubt and longing and also strength, virtue, struggle and resolution. This recording features a small cast of friends and a large cast of formal and improvisational instruments including (but not limited to) Guitar, Accordion, Bass, Trumpet, Trombone, Ukulele, Banjo, Mandolin, Piano, Drums, Whiskey Barrel, Trash Can, Suitcase, Handlebars, Oven, Cabinets, Chains, & Lumber.

Album is available as a digital download, with printable album artwork .pdf.

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released April 15, 2014

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Kyle Numann Nashville, Tennessee

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